How I Got My Shit Together After a Failed 3-year Long Relationship.
I hate the words, “You’ll be fine. You’re still young.” I still do.
Age doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that my time was lost and my pain is still valid.
I’ve heard it quite often after my relationship with my Taiwanese engineer of a boyfriend of 3 years dissipated after the tumultuous months leading to his departure to Tokyo. We had a huge fight after his birthday party (that I planned for him) and just like that, it ended.
He was my first everything — first sexual partner, my first love, my first person I completely allowed myself to be vulnerable with; he knew all my expressions and my nuances, my quirks and my thoughts, and the depths of my family issues, including my parent’s illness and the childhood scarring that came with all of me. How sad it was to lose my boyfriend and best friend in one go. It sucked.
I was in a bad place for a while.
I’ve fallen out of a tree before, gotten into multiple car accidents, had the worst IBS on a 16-hour flight, and had some thot step on my foot with her high heels at the club. Nothing could prepare me for the physical and mental pain after this break up.
Honestly, it was all such a blur. I felt like some part of me had died. Sometimes I would scour through the ThoughtCatalogue section on breakups, read the most depressing poems I could find, and listen to Spotify breakup playlists to feed my pitiful, aching soul. I almost enjoyed it. I rejected going out to stay in bed to bawl my eyes out. I enjoyed tumbling down this dark hole — I felt like I could blame the world for everything because supposedly the worst had just happened to me, and I just didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. If he could leave, then couldn’t anyone else just walk out of my life?
Not sure when was the pivotal point, but it happened with a few steps.
Here’s what I did.
- I first watched a TedTalk by Guy Winch: How to Fix a Broken Heart. Heck, I watched it like 10 times, quoted him repeating it to myself over and over again when the tears started to well up.
He says, “Getting over heartbreak is not a journey, it’s a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.” I say this because I kept idealizing my ex, looking at old photos on Instagram/FB, and churning up our old memories. After the TedTalk, I began hitting myself with facts — facts about why it didn’t work out, facts confirming my insecurities about this relationship, facts that proved he wasn’t a suitable companion at the end, and facts that served reason. The cold hard facts.
2. “Exercise gives you endorphins; endorphins make you happy and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands!”
I started to work out. A lot. I started waking up regularly at 6:30–7:00 am to either go to WheelHouse earlier, or do a Core40 workout. Working out gave me my self confidence back. It made me physically and emotionally stronger. It gave me purpose and exercised my willpower more than ever. I would even force myself to throw in 20 extra crunches or another minute to run, telling myself I could beat my ex by doing more. That worked.
3. I began to journal. Writing became part of my routine — it felt so good to grip a good pen and let my thoughts flow. There was no filter. And I had many things on my mind. I felt lonely quite often; I hated burdening others with my sadness and writing was my outlet and my friend. The pen Pilot B2P 7.0 in blue was and is my favorite. My ex used to work at Facebook, and he’d grab me a bunch.
4. On one particularly bad night, with teary eyes and snot dripping from my nose, I clutched my Chase Sapphire Reserve card and booked a one way flight to Bali, Indonesia. Then I collapsed on my bed and sobbed some more. It was the first time I ever traveled solo to another country, not knowing a soul. I ended up doing a yoga and meditation retreat — the best decision I’ve ever made. I got my sanity back from that trip; I gained my independence back as well. That is a longer story though.
5. I began to save my money, like hardcore 18% to my 401K and Roth IRA contributions and moved money around so I wouldn’t touch it. I still went out with friends and ate good food, but I was single. Gone were the days I used to go out for date nights and spent lavishly on experiences with him. I began saving up for my future because nothing in this world that I like more than checks (money).
6. I built out OKRs for myself. We have them at the startup I work at. I used to have goals that were generic and fluffy, but these have been my guiding light and have helped me get me back into my mindset. They need some work, but you get the gist. I already hit 1 and 2 already, which I attribute to working out and being more present at work. I put all my energy and focus into two things: my health and my work.
So fast forward to now…8 months. I’m different.
I’m sitting on my bed, clacking away at the keyboard. My one ab hoists the laptop up on my toned legs. I haven’t cried in weeks. I ran 3 miles at an OutdoorVoice event today. I like to listen to finance podcasts now, Paula Pant’s my queen. I manage a new coordinator on my team. I’ve set my alarm at 6:45am and 7:00am. I spoke to my papa (whose in Taiwan) for two hours via LINE about karma and happiness.
The universe really does work in mysterious ways. Pain is part of life, and I needed my heart to break to find myself.
Anyways, onward.
Emily is a US expat currently living in Singapore to learn about the tech communities growing in Asia. She has worked 4+ years in dev relations, community management, and event marketing within the tech and travel industry. Her time at OmniSci, Google and Booking.com gave her cross-functional expertise. In her free time, she runs the volunteer community initiatives for TEDxSanFrancisco, as well as promote and blog on the importance of financial literacy and education.
